Her Charmed Life

I’m too pretty to be this stressed. I need to update my skincare routine.

As stated I’m on this spiritual journey bullshit. I flip-flop between being fascinated by it and being so pissed off I want to scream. Like why am I even worried about this? And also why does it seem like no one else in the world is worried about this? I’m so dramatic. This is the shortened story of the big push I was given to get me going down this delightful path.

I’ve always been relatively religious. The Church part stems from my mother, the spiritual part is all me. I refuse to believe that all of us are alone on our journey. There’s gotta be something else out there. Some kind of companionship or unconditional love or something. All that to say, I have always been in touch with God or Spirit. It’s a part of me as much as my arms (which I only feel are a part of me sometimes but that’s for another post).

About eight or so months ago, I was at the end of my rope. I was feeling hopeless. I felt like I was drowning in problems I couldn’t handle anymore. Jon was having a lot of medical issues. My bank account hit $0, again. Trouble in my job was stirring up. I wanted to leave JR. I wanted to die. I was thinking of killing myself honestly. The only thing that stopped me from trying was all of my friends. How would they even know if I did it? I didn’t want them to feel abandoned by me. I didn’t want to leave JR to find me. I don’t know if he would recover from that. I couldn’t hear my God anymore and I couldn’t get in touch with Him. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt He was even with me. I felt a deep loneliness that I had never felt before. I was incredibly unhappy with my life and the direction I saw it going. I really wanted to leave JR because I tracked all the problems I had directly to him. I tried to leave a few times, but I just love him so much. I felt selfish in the face of it all. Who am I to be so pious? So childish and winey? Over a few issues that I accepted years ago. “Get over yourself” is a phrase I often thought to myself. So after successfully bullying myself out of suicide, I sat on the end of my bed and begged. I wouldn’t even really call it praying. I began to speak aloud. I don’t remember the exact words I used but it was basically 15 minutes of groveling and begging someone, anyone, to help me. JR was downstairs on his computer talking to his friends and I could hear him through the hardwood floors. His laugh reminded me of Charlotte. I begged, “Spirit if you’re real I need you now. I need you to show me. Send me a sign or speak to me. I can’t do this anymore.” I sat on my bed for another few minutes feeling like an idiot. Nothing happened. Of course it didn’t. I was foolish to think it would. I felt extremely embarrassed and angry. Why would I expect someone to come to my rescue? I’ve always been the only one to help myself so why would this be any different? I’m the rescuer, not the one in need. My anger dried the tears up and I went to take a shower. I don’t know what it is about showers but they always help me feel better. I get my anger out in the shower by ferociously scrubbing the grime and patheticness from my skin. I’m red when I get out, and feel a little better. The emotions made me tired so I went to my bedroom to go to sleep. “Of course I’m going to sleep. That’s all I fucking do,” I thought. I felt a sudden overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Not like earlier when I was crying and begging. But a soul deep unsettling feeling of being utterly and completely alone in the world. I heard JR laugh again. I went downstairs and got a Tigers Eye that my friend, Bex, gave me. She said it would give me courage. I walked upstairs to the bedroom and looked at the brown-gold rock in my palm. It wasn’t very big and I didn’t feel anything cool or special while I held it. It was just cold. “If this doesn’t work I’m definitely cussing her out,” I thought and laid in bed. I looked up a random “meeting your spirit guides” type meditation with a voice I didn’t entirely hate and pressed play. After about five minutes of deep breathing (and fidgeting and sweaty palms and being uncomfortable in my own skin) I decided Bex was full of shit and I should never listen to her again. Courage my ass, I was just more aware of how I hate the sound of my own breathing now! I was absolutely not feeling courageous. I sat up and shook out my arms. I put the Tigers Eye in my right palm, took a deep settling breath, and laid back down with my eye mask on. I felt infinitely better. I was comfortable and I couldn’t hear my breath so acutely anymore. I restarted the meditation and tried not to move too much.

The Meditaion Field

The meditation takes you through some breathwork and pushes you to clear your mind. It then describes you going down a flight of 10 stairs into a door. You open the door to a field/garden. There were more descriptions of the garden in the meditation, but mine just ended up looking like a door opening into a field of rolling hills and green grass. The sky was a pretty blue with puffy white clouds, a perfect day kind of sky. A chilly breeze blew occasionally. I stood in the field, right in front of the door, for a while. Probably 15 or 20 minutes. I wasn’t frustrated that no one was coming to me, I was just kind of standing there. I had a feeling I needed to wait just a little while longer. Then she came. A woman surrounded by a golden glow walked over the crest of a hill. As she approached I got the feeling that she was deliberately walking slowly. She didn’t want me to be afraid. She had no form other than a vaguely woman-shaped golden figure, no hair or color or skin or clothes or anything. She was shining. As she stood in front of me, I felt I knew her. That I had always known her. She felt like my mother and my best friend rolled into one. Not my mother as in my mom on earth but My Mother. I don’t know how to describe it. My physical body began crying happy tears. My soul rejoiced in seeing her. I felt like I was greeting my oldest friend whom I hadn’t seen in years. I was just so completely happy. I have never known such happiness. I began to fire questions at her. “Hi, what’s your name? I’m Gabrielle but I bet you already know what. Where are we? How did you hear me? Who are you? Is this real? Have we met before? Are you with me?” I remember asking these questions but I know my mouth did not move or open. She just knew what I was asking. She stood silently in front of me, smiling, although she had no mouth or face to smile with. I got the sense of a mother listening to her energetic kid talk about their favorite TV show or something. She was happy and patient and full of peace. I got the sudden feeling that it was time to leave. I was sad but understanding. I had gotten what I asked for already, simple proof of Spirit. Her purpose with me at that time was complete. I asked her to prove to me this was real and not a dream that I could explain away when I “woke up”. I told her to show me in my physical body but not to appear to me because I would be too frightened of her. I asked her to touch my leg or something. Not my arm because that’s close to my head and was therefore scary as fuck. As I was talking, my left foot got hot. I didn’t have on socks and the window was open above my head, so my feet were pretty cold. I felt the temperature difference on my foot, I know I did. No one can convince me otherwise. It felt like someone had affectionately put their hand on my foot. Like a little pat-pat-there-there kind of thing. The same way that my grandfather used to do to me and the way I touch JR when I leave for work in the mornings. In the garden, my soul hugged hers. We were both smiling and laughing. I got the sense she had been waiting a while for me and was thinking “Finally!” I told her goodbye and she walked back over the hill. I awoke in my physical body. I was crying and smiling and laughing. I called one of my friends and told her the entire experience immediately so I wouldn’t forget. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.

Cool right? I thought so too. I still do, kind of. Except now I have a reason to keep living and keep trying to find her again and raise my vibration or whatever (way stressful, not way cool). She has made an appearance in a dream of mine too. Hence the stalking in the title of this post.

The dream she had with me is more hazy and hard to remember. I was at Charlotte’s house when it occurred. In the dream, Charlotte walked (she has a wheelchair and can’t really walk well so that’s weird) me down a long corridor full of sand. We didn’t have shoes on. Charlotte brought me to a strange… school. We were outside once we left the sand hallway, but there were giant school desks all around. Giant as in we were like ants compared to the desks. It was weird and I don’t know why they were there. Maybe some kind of inner child healing situation? I didn’t feel like a child though. I felt very much like an adult. I felt more like an adult in that dream than I do as I write this. After we walked through the weird desk forest we arrived at a normal-sized swing set. She (the golden angel) was with us. I can’t remember when she arrived. We sat down at a concrete picnic table in front of the swings, which were very busy with children swinging. Charlotte was no longer with us and I don’t know when she left. The angel and I spoke for a long time. All day it seemed. Hours went by. I don’t remember what we discussed but the feelings were light, interesting, and joyful. We laughed a lot. I think something about a name was mentioned but I can’t remember clearly. The angel walked me back to Charlotte, who was waiting in the sand corridor. Charlotte and I walked back to the other end of it and I discovered that Charlotte’s house was on the other side. The dream ended and I woke up a few minutes later. I was exhausted and felt like I hadn’t slept. I really didn’t get any rest although I was asleep. I was busy rubbing elbows with a golden angel person.

Once again, I bet this sounds cool. It does to me too. Mostly. Except now I’m stressed out because what the hell was so important that she needed to tell me right then and now why can’t I remember it? What name did she tell me? Was it her name? I think it was my name. I thought my name was Gabrielle. Do I have another name? What the fuck is going on???

Anyway, about the skincare routine- I added rosehip seed oil in and a rice water toner. It’s helping my crow’s feet and dark circles.