Her Charmed Life

This is probably the 10th post I’ve started. I don’t know how it will turn out, but I will post it by the end of the week, good or bad. I’m to tried to edit this anymore than I already have.

Hello, it’s been a while. Let’s catch up. So, I have moved out of JR’s house, we broke up (around 4 times) and I removed myself from my group chat with all my long-distance friends.  Isolation at its finest. A better opportunity in my opinion though. I guess I’ll just talk about moving out in this post. I need to say a lot, but I have no idea where to start.

I moved out of JR’s house (our house) in March. I got fed up for the last time and I spent hours talking to a few of the best friends I could ever ask for. James and Sabrina work with me. Sabrina and I are pretty good friends and hang out regularly outside of work, drinking, getting food and laughter are constances in our friendship. I think of her often, more than she probably knows. They both just got married and I went to their wedding. They have patiently listened to my frustrations and gripes about JR (for longer than I really want to admit). I deeply appreciate that now; I couldn’t see it before. So, after I ranted and raved to Sabrina and James about him, I left work and went home to JR. He was asleep, and I didn’t want to lose my nerve. I packed a bag, woke him up, and told him that I was staying with Sabrina for a few days. I fled our home and stayed with Sabrina for about a week. While I was there, crying my eyes out in Sabrina’s bed and on the couch with her little dogs licking my face, JR was texting me. He was panicky and confused, naturally. The things he was saying to me are things I don’t care to repeat again. It felt like I was talking to a stranger. Not the man I had been in a relationship with for 6 years, who I dreamed of being with forever. I laid in Sabrina’s unfamiliar bedroom all week, ignoring the buzzing of my phone, trying not to cry too loud, trying to sleep. Then I would wake up and gather my things for work and just… go to work. It was so strange. I remember it like a dream. How could my world be crashing and all these other people just go about their day like normal? I found an apartment and James, along with some other very sweet people I work with, came to help me move the minute I asked them. Sabrina bought a whole trunkful of necessities I needed for the first few days in a new place. I was so emotional that I couldn’t think, and Sabrina just knew what to do. I really love my work family. We don’t always get along, but we are always there when someone is in need, whether they like it or not. It chokes me up thinking about how much these people have shown they care about me. I hope they know I feel the same about them. 

I went to New Orleans for the first time after I moved out. It’s where Sabrina and James’s wedding was. I was originally not going because JR wasn’t invited (your friends always know when the vibe is off). I felt bad going out and enjoying myself when he wasn’t coming. This was a recurring theme in our relationship. I didn’t just feel bad though, I felt absolutely terrible, guilty even. I felt guilty for having friends. When I moved out and ended our relationship though, suddenly I could go! I was so excited. I roomed with three of my friends (all male) and we had a blast. I was smiling and laughing so much. More than I have in years (how depressing honestly). It was a trip to remember for sure. We drank, ghost hunted, and danced our way through the streets of New Orleans together for days. The entire time, JR texted me. He called me. He was harassing me. The group started to take notice. I, of course, tried to play it off and put on a brave face. It worked for the most part- everyone believed I was just irritated due to my crazy ex calling again and again. Really though, I was absolutely panicking at the thought of my phone dying, of looking at the messages, of picking up the call, or of not picking up the call. I was on the verge of a breakdown the entire time and no one could tell, except Liam. Of fucking course Liam knew. He was, and still is, going through a very similar situation in his own relationship.  At the last bar of the night, I stepped outside for a cigarette while JR was texting me. After I read the message, I became upset and needed a break from the intensity of the bar. I smoked and cried and dreaded going back inside for several minutes before Liam’s spidey senses kicked in. He came out to find me; a drunken crying mess in the doorway of some rundown shithole on the darkened city street. He stood in front of me and blocked out the world while I fell apart. We talked and yelled and cried and smoked. By this time, he had told all the others to go back to the room and we’d be following after them. Well, we both were on the fast track to an alcohol induced blackout, so naturally we got lost on the walk to the hotel. We walked and talked and laughed for about an hour and a half until we finally made it back to the room. Liam and I had a good night and helped each other vent and talk about our shit situations. Liam said I was his best friend that night and he still says that today. The next morning, I checked my phone. JR accused me of sleeping with everyone in my room that night. He said it must have been true because why else wasn’t I picking up his call? The rest of the trip went the same. Me, having a great time with Liam and the others; JR, calling and texting and accusing. 

On the drive back from New Orleans, I woke up in the back seat to my phone buzzing. I thought it was JR and felt a pit in my stomach, but then I saw it was just my group chat with my long-distance friends. The pit began to disperse. I opened the chat and found myself under fire from my “friends”. The pit reappeared as a white-hot coal searing into my chest. My friends, the ones I went to Arizona with, read, laughed, bonded and stood with were saying I was too sad to be around. I was too dramatic, too much, too loud. I had too many traumatic events happen in my life for them to listen to. I totaled my car in the middle of nowhere headed to one of their houses, five hours from home and six hours from my destination. I got a long term TDY to Florida and my father figure died a week after I arrived on station. I moved out and left JR. These things were too much for them to handle, I guess. I left our group because it seemed none of them would hear me out. None of them wanted to listen. That was the point I guess, but it hurt me nonetheless.

So now, I have been living in my apartment for a few months. I wish I could say it’s been hard, the most difficult thing, even uncomfortable at the least. But in reality it hasn’t. I’ve been doing pretty good considering the situation. I do not dread coming home now, I’m excited to be here. I love walking into my space. It’s clean and safe. It’s comforting being surrounded by only myself, no one else’s needs are mine to bear here. I feel like I’m finally breathing after drowning. During these months that I’ve been trying to restart my life, JR has been calling. Calling and calling and calling, and texting and texting and coming by and coming by. I’ve been trying to be gentle with him. I hate hurting him. I think I was too gentle though, too worried about hurting him more and causing him to regress in his progress. I think he is finally starting to understand some things now. At least on how we stand, probably not how I feel or why I needed to break up with him. I hope that comes in time for him.

I’m still going to therapy, and I’ve been making good progress with EMDR. I’ve worked through some childhood trauma that has affected me. My anxiety has lessened. I’ve been getting closer with my work family and Sabrina. Sabrina and I go out every so often now and it makes me so happy. I missed her more than I knew. I even started dating. Not really with any intention necessarily, just to talk to people again. Make some new friends, have a good time, and basically just enjoy myself. A few people have caught my attention. Dating has felt like a bucket of ice water being thrown on me, waking me from some sleep induced blindness or something. I feel like I’m seeing things with new eyes. It’s refreshing to see people with… potential. I’m just realizing that there really are people with drive, success, goals, and education out in the world. Not everyone is always wrapped in death and hardship. I don’t need to be either. I’ve been hanging out with someone a little. They have hobbies, they like my music and to read books, they have a good job and a bright future. I’m liking getting to know them and I’m having a really good time with them.

I’m happy. I’m really genuinely happy. I kind of feel guilty about it. I don’t want it to end.