Her Charmed Life

What does getting over someone entail? What does it even mean, to get over someone? Everything I have ever honestly cared about, I have kept safe inside myself. Locked away in my heart, cozy and warm and stored securely. Behind several doors and locks and piles of furniture shoved in the way, Nothing is ever getting out of there. The things I haven’t locked away in that heart flit about to and fro. I don’t mind them but I’m prone to shoving them out of my space. I don’t like clutter that doesn’t have meaning. Everything I have ever cared about has claw marks on it. So what do you do when you have to let one of those so deeply beloved things go? My hands don’t know how to unfurl. My claws cannot retract. I have long since lost the keys to all the locks I need to open in my heart. I don’t regret my choice to leave JR. I do wish I had done it differently but it would have been hard no matter what. I love him deeply and dearly and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. That sounds really dramatic but… I really don’t think I can stop. He means too much to me. He is a tick dug into my skin. He is scar tissue, fresh and pink and tender. He is something I am leaving claw marks on. He is one of the greatest loves I will ever experience. I wish we didn’t have all that….life to deal with together. I wish I was braver than I am. Maybe things would have been different.

But they aren’t different. And I have to figure it out. I’m doing so much better really. Than how I was when I was with him. Sabrina told me just yesterday, she could tell how much happier I am today when she looks at old pictures of me. I’m not depressed anymore. I don’t sleep as often and I don’t cry nearly as much. So…if I’m doing so much better, why is it still so fucking hard? 6 years. That’s lifetimes. Our whole life, Just over in the blink of an eye, in the mutter of a sentence, the inhale of a sob, the slam of a door and the exhale of relief. It turns out 6 years fits into about 4 trash bags and a large backpack. I wonder if he can feel my phantom claws in his skin, the way I feel his lips on my forehead. Can he feel my tears soak his shirt, the way I know his soak my hair?

Breakups are hard. I thought I was done feeling like this. It’s been months since I have felt all this again. I’m very tired tonight. I am very lonely. I miss my best friend.

These feelings are normal and they will pass. These feelings are normal and they will pass. These feelings are normal and they will pass.