Her Charmed Life

People reading this probably think some crazy shit about me, all the trauma and drama and people I love. HA! Anyways, let’s get into it. Having a big heart is such a pain in the ass. So is Liam. God damn Liam, he’s always lurking in my mind somewhere. I lose sleep over this guy. (Maybe I should start collecting the people I love in jars? There’s so many. Chuckle chuckle.)

I really don’t have a very high opinion of men in general although my standards for them are pretty high (when my head isn’t shoved up my ass). Call me a man hater all you want, I don’t care. Men have totally fucked me time and time again. So have women, but for some reason I’m always blindsighted by the men. I should probably do some therapy about that or something. So Liam, sweet, strong, delusional Liam. I can count on one hand how many men in my life I honestly respect, he’s one of them. Oh, thinking of him makes me cry. He spits on my respect and tells me it’s just rain. Cunt. I’m sad and so very angry as I write this. I’m fucking furious. I might regret that spit sentence later. But it’s the truth today. I’m not going to air out all his dirty laundry here because he’s my friend but basically he’s in a really tumultuous relationship. This relationship of his was eerily similar to mine and JR’s. When I look at Liam, it’s like I’m looking at myself 10 years into the future if I had stayed. It’s scary. He’s a big guy and he prides himself on how much of… everything he can take. I wonder when this bullshit he’s forcing himself through is going to crack him. It will, I know it. It’s only a matter of time. I kind of had a little crush on him. (Let’s be honest girl, it was more than little.) But I was pretty realistic, thank god. My ability to see the bigger picture is once again my saving grace. I totally could have fallen head first for this dummy. I probably still could, if he ever fixed himself. (JR made me learn the “I can fix him” lesson already, give me a metal.) 

So let’s get the sad part out of the way. A few months ago, he seemed ready to officially move out of their house but the place he was moving to wasn’t finished. Many of the people I work with had time and the ability to help, so we all got together to help him. Something happened in his family and he wasn’t able to be there so we didn’t get to fix his place up. I pushed and pushed him so much to just let us go there. We had a contractor with us, the work wasn’t too extensive. I regret that weekend so fucking much. I should have just made everyone show up and asked Liam for forgiveness. I would have sacrificed all our friendship and the stupid feelings I was trying to shake, just to get him moved out of the house with her. I should have done something else. I knew that this day would come, that’d she’d flip the switch and suddenly be her “normal” self and he’d go back. I knew it would be impossible to budge him when she decided to give him the time of day again. I know it’s not my fault, he’s a grown man and makes his own decisions. I just know all the similarities between my old relationship and his. I know that if I had not moved out of JR’s house the night I did, I never would have. I pray to god and spirit and whoever I need to pray to, that this isn’t the case with Liam.

Anyways, to the anger because we all know that Rage Demon of mine has been coming out to play lately. I yelled at Liam a little today. He’s been totally fucking ghosting me since my birthday trip in June. Which is when she started taking her meds again I imagine. I’m not jealous, really. I’m a catch, his loss. But it’s like… I can’t stop thinking about everything he’s said to me before. He probably doesn’t even remember, that damn prick. He told me I was his best friend, he said “…and I think you are my best friend, or quickly becoming so..” . He said he wanted.. us to be a thing, he said “I could really see this becoming something,” and he gestured his hands between us when he said “this”. He called me an enigma. He actually whispered it in my ear as I fell asleep. HE WHISPERED IT IN MY EAR AS I FELL ASLEEP. I asked him to do some questionable things to me and he said he wouldn’t do them because it would hurt me in a way I shouldn’t be hurt. He walked me all the way to our hotel after some crazy person bit me in New Orleans, and then he stayed with me instead of going back out to party with everyone else. He took care of me. I remember it all. We had so much fun, we always do. Maybe it’s my fault, I knew he was in a really emotional state when he said all those things and I always shut him down. But god damn I was vulnerable too! And he knew it. If I could see the situation from above myself, why couldn’t he? Why did he say all that fucking bullshit to me?? So he had the audacity to ghost me after all that, after I have literal scars on my body from him, and he just denied it. I like to think that I’m pretty emotionally developed, so I know he probably didn’t mean to kick me to the curb but he totally did and then denied it all today. To my face! If we weren’t in public I think I might have actually hit him. My hand twitched. How dare he. I feel stupid and used and so angry. It’s not like I’m ruminating on some lost love or anything like that, but we were close! He said best friends. Then he just discarded me for months, and all my feelings and emotions and all the conversations we’ve had about his situation. I feel like he was just agreeing with me during all that to get close to me. Liam isn’t that kind of guy but I’ve been wrong before. The physical stuff is one thing and I don’t regret any of that. That is easy for me to deal with. I’d do it again. It was fun. But the words we shared and the things he said to me? I should have duck tapped his fucking mouth shut.

I want to rip out his stupid vocal cords so he can never say anything remotely nice to me again. I sobbed on this man’s chest more than I have cried on anyone. We all know I cry a lot, or used to at least. I hold his secrets because I’m the fucking secret keeper for everyone. And he just…rejects me. I feel like he rejected our friendship, like it doesn’t mean anything to him. That’s why I’m so upset. He’s fun and smart and capable and I respect him and I just want to be his friend. He makes it hard. I’m always waiting to hear that he is in jail for doing something reckless, or that he’s driven off a bridge or something. Is he making it hard or am I? Ugh boundaries. I need a fucking castle wall for this guy I think. A line just ain’t gonna cut it.

Maybe I have my head shoved up my ass again. God? It’s me again. If you can hear me, unshove my head please. I must be losing brain cells from the lack of oxygen. What the fuck is wrong with me?