Her Charmed Life

As usual, I met a god damn man. Fuck.

I look at the way I care about people like a curse. I know that’s mildly unhealthy and probably detrimental to all my other problems I’m trying to get through. Yet I find myself….cursed still. I trust so so easily. It’s nerve wracking for me. I tell myself “Not this time. Hold your ground. Boundary, bitch, boundary! Shield wall, for god’s sake!” Even after all the pep talks my little pea brain shouts and coaches my heart through, here I am. Diving head over heels into infatuation. I know what comes after infatuation. I really hope this doesn’t end badly.

He’s talking the talk, walking the walk. It’s great. He’s intelligent in a way that I don’t find often in others. He has some problems, like everyone else. But he takes responsibility for them and handles them well. He doesn’t blame others or life or god or what the fuck ever for the less than desirable circumstances he is in. He literally just deals with them. How healthy. How green flag ish. He’s excited to learn about me. He actually wants to get to know me. He doesn’t just want sex from me (and btw, the sex was so good… wow). He asks questions, so many questions. He wants to really know me. He is well on his way to turning me inside out. He’s slowly peeling back all my layers and probing the delicate skin underneath. He just…likes me.

And I like him. I enjoy him. I want to consume him. I want to open his brain and read it like tea leaves so that I may know him fully, past, present and future. I want to inject his laugh into my veins so it may fill my heart. My eyes brighten and my smile shines when he says my name. My stomach is filled with butterflies when he hums in that low, growly voice he has. He takes everything I throw his way in stride, handles it carefully and with ease. He questions me and makes me think. He takes time to validate me and listen. He’s such a good listener. He listened to me babble for hours about my personal life and he even repeated what I had said in his own words. He was definitely hearing me. Ugggggh, my belly is filled with anxiety. Please, please, please don’t let me get hurt.

I’m totally fucked. This is a good thing, right? I’m crazy. I’m literally crazy for this. Someone fucking sedate me.