Her Charmed Life

Bodies on bodies on bodies. That sounds like a song. What the fuck.

I wish that I could find someone to love me. I wish I could love myself. I’m so abrasive. I push people away when they get close, and then I whine and moan about how I don’t have anyone. It’s so weird. I feel weird. I feel like I’m stuck in honey or something. Gel. It’s thick and heavy and I can’t breathe. I feel trapped but all I have to do is swim up. I’m doing it to myself. I’m literally drowning myself in dates. Like a fucking idiot. I know how this goes for me. I’m trying to fill some void in my soul with other people. They can’t help it though. I know I’m the one that has to do it, to fix it. I’m so fucking tired of fixing things though. I feel so low, so tired. I’ve been running at top speed to get my life on track. I feel this overwhelming fear that I’m too late. Late for what? I don’t know. I feel late for everything. Late waking up in the morning, late for work, late for the date I scheduled when I was lonely the other day. I feel late for happiness, for joy, late for watching the sun in the morning like I used to do. Late spiritually, late financially, and physically. I just feel… wrong. I hate it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I fear the aliens have come and reaped my soul again. Bastards.

I have this feeling of terror and hopelessness. It’s about JR. I haven’t really thought of him like this in months so I don’t know if I’m just using him as an excuse or what. Anyways. I’m afraid that he isn’t okay. That something horrific has happened to him and I’ll just never know. I can’t help him, I can’t do it for him. He’s on his own. Realistically, I know he’s a grown man who can do it all himself. I know that. JR is doing just fine and so is his kid. They are okay and nothing bad has happened to them. But there’s this little voice in my head that gets louder when I get depressed. The voice tells me that all these bad things are happening to JR and if I was around then I could help him and fix it. The way I make myself feel better is by fixing someone else and I’ve done that for JR so long. Now I have to actually deal with my shit as deep as it goes, not just surface level like I was doing. How atrocious (chuckle chuckle- deep sigh).

I was thinking about some pretty dark things the other night. I texted everyone I know. I texted one of my supervisors at work who lives right around the corner, I texted my mom, I texted JR. I even texted Chey (remember? From the book club thing). Of course no one replied. I mean it was like 1 am anyways. So Instead of offing myself or something I went over to this guy’s house. And now he won’t leave me the fuck alone. I feel bad about it. He’s nice, I’m using him. Ugh wtf is wrong with me.