Her Charmed Life

Fair warning, this is ramblish. I have about 1000 thoughts tonight.

So I was chatting with someone recently about relationships. She said something along the lines of if a partner brings you joy in your current relationship, there is no reason to deny that for yourself. We all know loneliness and I go hand in hand, we are basically besties. I’ve beaten it and been beaten by that stupid emotion so many times. I really struggle with the worry that when I meet someone new.. Am I just running from the inevitable loneliness I will feel? Or do I actually care?

I’m starting to be able to spot the difference in these experiences. With Liam, I was SPRINTING from my own feelings. I was doing anything I could In order to not feel the gaping pit of… nothingness inside me. Liam Era (Liam Era includes a few people, he was just the big one) was a time of coming to terms with myself. It’s a good example of using someone else to satisfy my own emotional needs rather than doing the work myself. Of course hindsight is 20/20. Now when I talk to Liam, when I watch the way he acts and moves… I chuckle at myself. I think about the things I did and said. Specifically the feelings I avoided while I was enamored by him. Enigma? Wow. He told me that while we laid in bed together. Nothing like that, you sickos. We really were just laying next to each other. He whispered it to me, “You are an enigma to me,” I can still hear his tone as he said it. I thought something like Ew girl, Douche alert. Then he pulled me to his chest and I shoved the ick feelings down deep inside me. Totally ignored it, but I knew what I was doing. I was building walls and safes and running and hiding anything I could do in order to keep my own feelings as far away as I could get them, including using other people. Liam was the victim unfortunately. He knows he was using me too, we’ve actually discussed it. That’s his story though.

Today, I had dinner and coffee with some people that I’m interested in. I didn’t really have any expectation for how the date would go. I knew I’d have a good time, but I didn’t really think much would happen aside from some good laughs over tacos. I stand very much corrected. We sat in the car after dinner and had some good conversation. It was a little vulnerable. Normally that would make me burst into tears, fearful and naked in the face of others’ judgment. While I did have to summon a bit of bravery here and there, I didn’t cry even once. I wasn’t afraid at all. Not of their reactions to me nor my reactions to them. I was pleasantly surprised. This guy… Clay. It feels very different with him. It feels normal. There’s no chaos like in the JR Era, no waiting for the next shoe to drop like in the Liam Era. It’s just totally normal. It makes me smile to think about. I’m so relieved. We were joking around and he lunged at me in a funny “I’m gonna get you” way. I immediately shrunk away. I held my breath in preparation for how my body would react, I awaited the stutter of my heart, the drop of my stomach, the numbness and panic to spread throughout me. And waited and waited. Nothing happened. No body reactions, no emotional reactions. I didn’t even flinch. Progress baby! I’m giving myself the credit of course. I deserve it. But I think he deserves some too. Maybe not credit but… kudos or something. He’s a safe guy, physically AND emotionally. That’s a pretty big fucking deal for me.

Anyways, the difference in my experiences. I think it’s the purity in my emotions. Liam Era.. yeah I was happy. I smiled, I laughed. But I didn’t mean it. I was faking, fronting, ignoring the voice in my head telling me that I know better than to do whatever the hell I was doing. I was running. Now, I’m not. I’m happy but not just happy. I am joyful, I am excited. I feel it in my heart, my spirit. I am calm, I do not expect emotional chaos to hammer me everyday. Back to my friend’s statement that if a partner brings you joy in your current relationship, there is no reason to deny that for yourself. I don’t know how long this thing we are doing will last, a few months, a year, forever. I have no clue. I’m being realistic about it. I’ll probably get my poor little heartbroken again. But man.. I’m really just joyful. Not just happy. There’s no other way to describe it. So I won’t deny myself one bit of it. If this whole thing ends tomorrow or never, I’m going to savor it.

Pack it all up. I’m cooked. I actually care this time.