Her Charmed Life

I’m talking about Limerence. Chill.

Anyway

Hi. How’s it going? I have a lot on my mind tonight. I have had a lot to say the past two weeks or so, but I just haven’t been able to get my thoughts past my teeth. It’s been driving me crazy. I think this is what I’ve been needing to say. My ideas on it aren’t exactly fully thought out so strap in, this one might go down quite a few rabbit holes.

Did you know that I have Ocd? Obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s mild and comes out mostly when I’m stressed out, in cleaning, and in my attachments to other people. Could you tell? It’s not like this blog is 90% based on others… Did you know that having multiple relationships with people is stressful? Well, now you do. I don’t know if I can tell the difference between being in limerence with someone and being in love with them. I know I loved JR and I know I was in limerence with the person I wrote It’s Nice to Have a Friend about. That guy’s name is officially Rugby.

I don’t think about Rugby now. I do when I pass where he works and I mention him in stories or explanations like I’m doing right now. But I don’t actively think about him at all. He literally never crosses my mind but he used to so much. He became a key part of my life in the span of like… 27 hours. One day I didn’t know him, and the next I knew what colors our wedding would be. I knew him so completely by the time it was all over, I knew where he went, what he did, who he talked to, his birthday, how much money he had, where he lived, his middle name. I knew it all. I also had built this huge fantasy around him. I can fix him. That man looked me in my eyes and said he’s a deadbeat alcoholic and that I mean nothing to him. I still had these crazy thoughts about him. It was so intense. It felt like a fever, like my whole life was hazy and he was the clearest thing I could see. Crystal. Then a month passes, he stays over once and I’m clinging to him like some leach. I was begging for something new, some new information he could give me- so I could refresh the fantasy. I woke up the next morning and it was like the fever broke. I could suddenly see what I was doing and I was shocked. Girl this is not the kind of guy you go for. I mean I have definitely not won many first place partner awards but he was on a different level. He was attractive. That was it. The sex wasn’t even good, he was just an asshole and happened to throw me around the way I like. I never even told him any of that stuff. He just did it. If someone I wasn’t obsessed with did that to me now, I’d make them leave. Anyways, so I don’t think about him like I did when I was in limerence with him. That’s how I know it’s just ocd rather than I actually had any feelings about him. I had to be with him. I had to think about him. I didn’t have an option. I needed it like I need air.

I was never in limerence with JR. I’m not going into detail about him, I feel like I already have. I didn’t need him. I wanted him. I had a choice. I chose to be with him everyday that I was, I never felt like I had to. I didn’t have the same type of grand fantasies or intense thoughts about him. It’s a marked difference. So because I wasn’t obsessed with JR, I know that I can love someone and not be obsessed with them. I have six years of proof. It’s not impossible.

Liam… I think he was both. I didn’t have this huge unrequited love situation or anything. But we got really close and I definitely fell for him. I was in limerence too though. This is why I’m struggling so much right now. I don’t know the difference in the feeling because of him. I was very obsessed with him and his life. Then, just like Rugby and all the other people, one day I woke up and didn’t have the ocd goggles on. I still think about him often though. He’s my friend still so of course I think about him, but I care in a non-limerence way. Not necessarily deeply… more like in a lingering way. I think that’s love. Maybe? It kind of sticks to my ribs a little. I can’t shake it as easily as the obsession. I didn’t have a choice to think about Liam all the time in the way I did for a long time, then I broke the obsession and could think for myself. When I could do that, the types of thoughts I had for him changed drastically. I still love him definitely, in a kind of platonic, wrong time kind of way.

So that brings me to now. Am I fucking obsessed? Did I literally speak it into existence? Fuck me lol. I don’t feel like my whole world revolves around my people. I can think outside of them freely and I don’t get worried or anything if they don’t text me back. I can go a day or two without talking to them. I’d be sad because they make me happy, but It wouldn’t be the end of the world. On the other hand, I need to be around them. It’s not quite the level of I have to be around them. But I feel strange when I’ve gone more than a few days without seeing them. I’ve felt this before with some shit I should not have been doing. A drug addict is as close to an obsession that I can explain, and it sure feels pretty fucking close to that.

I was recently reminded that I used the work obsession pretty quickly in one of my relationships and I’ve used it to describe the other one too. I hope that was just me talking shit and not how I’m actually feeling. That sure will fucking suck when I wake up from it all. I didn’t think about how all these new emotions and the stress I’ve added into my life would effect my ocd. That’s my bad. Fuck.