Her Charmed Life

I can do it. I can do it by myself. No thank you, I don’t need any help. I can do it. I have always done it. Right?

When I was very small, I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up. I didn’t even know what a lawyer was, but I definitely wanted to be one. I loved watching that antique roadhouse show. I loved sitting snuggled up on the left side of the couch, huddled really close to the arm. All of these things seem unrelated, I know. They matter so much to me, and nothing at all at the same time. They all have my dad in common. My dad, as in the one that raised me. I don’t talk about him much.

I remember the first time I told him I wanted to be a lawyer. We were doing all of my favorite things. He was laying on the couch, watching the antique show. I was sitting right between his arm and his torso, snuggled up next to the arm of the couch that his head rested on. My little legs were folded in front of me and I had my softer night dress on, the blue one with Cinderella on it. I loved the frills at the end of it. I told him because it had some up in school and I remember how shocked he was. “Really?” He asked. I assure him I was completely serious, as serious as a kindergarten could be of course. I remember thinking that he must be proud. I looked up to him so much. He was my favorite person. I heard his voice for the first time in 15 years or so a few months ago when I was visiting my mom and siblings. I didn’t even recognize it was him on the phone.

How can that be? How can someone who means so much for years and years, just turn into a total stranger? Someone like that in the very first formative parts of a child’s life, just turns into a blurry memory. An almost picture, a sort of smell, a made up sound.

Why me? Why did you do it to me? Why did you do any of that? I was such a daddy’s girl. I was a “My daddy will do it”. “My daddy will help”. “My daddy will know what to do”. He never fucking did any of that. I just thought he did. When did all those my daddy thoughts turn into… myself thoughts? When did it become “I can do it”, “I’ll figure it out”, “I know what to do”? Why? Why did it have to turn out that way? Who hurt him so much that he hurt me like that? Why do I still hold so much hatred and venom for a man I cannot even remember clearly?

When did dad turn into a stranger? How can they be the same thing?