Her Charmed Life

I’ve been thinking a lot about platonic love and friendships a lot lately. I know that I’ve talked about my old book club friend group here before. As I have been going through my life the past year, I find myself wishing so badly to tell them about all my adventures. I remember our falling out, in the thick of the hardest part of my adult life, and it hurts to wish for their acceptance.

I loved those girls. I loved all of their quirks and all our conversations. The unfiltered way that I felt like I could be myself with them all. Perhaps that was the issue in the end. I was too much. Too sad, too heartbroken over my 7 year long relationship ending. I was also not enough. Not present at the appropriate moments and never around in the ones that shouldn’t have mattered. Anyways I’ve just been doing so many new things, I want to share my new relationships with them, the work tea, my new house, my cat. My thoughts and feelings about my life and I want to hear all of theirs. I think about it all the time. But I know that I don’t deserve friends who treat me like that. I definitely said some really inappropriate insults at the end and I do feel a little bad about it. I just know that I also deserve people who will give all the love to me that I give to them. Truly and without condition, rather than who gives the best compliments, sends the best gifts, spends the most time chronically online. The double standard of whose friendship was worth more crippled me in the end. I wasn’t able to be the person that they had come to know while in the pits of my grief. I was angry that they had been talking about me and furious that they accused me of shit talking one of them with another, when what I had said was just a fact that was proven moments later. I was hurt when they told me that I was too much of a let down, always crying in the call. Then I was confused when they said I didn’t participate in our calls enough. I lost it when they all came together with a list of my assumed problems. Too much, too loud, too sad, too lost, never there, too inappropriate, never polite, never enough, not the same.

I miss sharing my life with women who are as funny and silly as I am. I hope I can find something like that again with people who understand humans human sometime.