Her Charmed Life

I’m 24 years old and this shit is giving me stress wrinkles.

I have never really held too much stock into astrology or crystals or anything like that. It’s not that I didn’t believe in it but it’s a lot to comprehend. It was always daunting to approach so I just… didn’t. But here I am, starting this blog because writing is my best way of communication (Gemini) and because my therapist said I’ll have to do that with her. I have stage fright and HATE being unprepared so of course I need to practice before writing about my feelings in front of her. How embarrassing would it be if I couldn’t do it?

I don’t know too much or pretend to (because that’s, like, so pretentious) about the universe or souls or any of that. But I do wonder. I got a past life report from A.R.E (Edgar Casey anyone?) and it was kind of eye-opening for me. Some of it was a little far-fetched, like the past life that I apparently held in Atlantis. Some of it was right on the money, like my shit relationship with my mother and my romantic relationship and my “tendency towards weight gain” (rude). My mediocre level of clairvoyance, although I’ve never thought of that label, is of note. My likes and dislikes are listed; parapsychology, esoteric philosophy, depth psychology, mystical events, coincidences, symbols, charms, etc. It even speaks of a whole planet placement on the rage demon that takes over my body when I’m angry and my tendency to isolate myself from everything.

After reading and digesting this 12-page paper on the planetary map of my soul, I can’t help but be left wondering. What if somehow this paper is generic or some kind of AI bullshit? What if I’m trying to fit my life experiences into it and it’s not real? How do you decide what you believe in? Does anyone else feel like this all the time? I wish I could scream my frustration into the void. I wish someone or something would just tell me the damn answers.

My idea of The Golden Glow

I grew up with a very particular set of beliefs that I held onto with dear life. I think I gripped them so tightly because my beliefs helped me through a lot of trauma in my childhood. When I was 19, those core ideas began to become question marks for me. Then I visited my boyfriend’s family for Thanksgiving and met his grandmother, Charlotte. I remember my boyfriend (we weren’t officially together at that point) and his father walked side-by-side in front of me toward the house. They parted at the door. She was sitting in her wheelchair when I first saw her. So close to the threshold of the front door that I thought she’d fall out if the wheels rotated an inch more. I don’t know how she even got so close to the door now that I think about it. As I walked towards her I saw she had this strange light around her, pale yellow and a deeper golden tone as I got closer. I thought it was a naked light bulb or something behind her but with the mass of Charlotte’s body and the motor chair and all the other people around… I don’t know how a light bulb could have been so bright and prevalent. The color was off. As I stood before her, between the most important men in my life, I felt an overwhelming sense of… foreboding almost. Not exactly a negative feeling, more a feeling of standing at a 4th-story window. It made me nervous, but I knew I was fine because of the safety net of the glass. The golden light grew before my eyes, and before I could back away, she pulled me into a hug with a surprising amount of strength. I didn’t have a choice in the hug. At the time it made me wildly uncomfortable. I’ve never been a hugger, my family didn’t touch affectionately in my childhood. Now it makes me laugh because of course, she would give a total stranger a death grip type of hug.

The duration of my stay with their family was one of the most intense few days of my adult life to date. I was warned that she was clairvoyant and a “pillar” of energy. I was warned strange things would happen to me. I was not ready. I was forced to confront my love for my boyfriend in a group setting (I’ll probably make another post about that and link it here when I have). I was faced with difficult truths and intense discussion. I feel crazy talking about it now. I’m not sure how else to put it but while I was there, it felt like about 10 different people were inside my mind, ripping pieces of me away until I was out naked in the cold. My physical body felt raw and tender- like I had exfoliated with sandpaper all week. My spirit was exhausted and weak- like I had been fighting a battle for years, just to stop suddenly. It was one of the most emotional experiences I have ever had (thanks a lot Uncle, you fucking catalyst). One morning Charlotte sat down next to me with an expectant look on her face. She didn’t say a word, but I knew she wanted to Talk. Talk with a capital T. I didn’t know what about. I did know I wanted nothing to do with that conversation. Keep in mind I had been awake for about 3 minutes at this point. As I sat next to her an endless stream of bullshit spewed from my mouth. “Good morning, how are you? How did you sleep? Can I get you some coffee? Some tea? Did you know I’m allergic to cats? My eyes are itchy. I still need to brush my teeth,” I was terrified. I’d do anything to avoid this conversation. Charlotte didn’t say a single word, the look on her face did not change. After a minute or two or maybe a century of sweating bullets on my part and utter silence on hers, she got up and went about her morning. I was so stressed, I’m just happy I didn’t start sobbing at 7 am. Looking back, I know she probably had a message for me and was waiting to see if I was willing to hear it. I wasn’t. It wasn’t time for me yet. I still had some healing to do.

Charlotte, my boyfriend, and her family had either opened my eyes, helped my soul remember its bigger purpose, or convinced me I was insane. This experience has left me searching for something ever since. I’m not sure what it is I’m looking for, but I have a feeling I’ll know when I find it. I know in my heart that I have seen that same golden light three more times. Twice in dreams (one in which Charlotte herself was present but that’s a different story) and once more before my eyes in my creepy basement.

I don’t know if it’s the Stars or if I’m weird. I think maybe a little of both. We’ll see.