Her Charmed Life

It’s the second holiday season without you. It’s the first time I’m alone though. Last year, the wound was barely made, the knife still stuck inside me. Last year I was on the tail end of month #3 in a small hotel room crying over some candles, cussing at god and whatever other deity would listen. Floor #3 too, the window wouldn’t open. I was helping to arrange your funeral. We didn’t have one though, it was too expensive. A “Celebration of Life”, yeah sure. No one wanted to celebrate you but me and JR. Maybe your brother. I mean people fucking hated you. I never knew why. I didn’t know the person you were when you were a young man, battling a literal war and deep rooted mental illness. I don’t exactly blame everyone. I’m sure you were very difficult to handle considering everything. But I still hold a great deal of hate in my heart for those who showed up in the end. People I didn’t even fucking know and I lived in the same house as you for 6 years. How dare they? How dare he? How dare I?

When I started to get into energy work and magik, you warned me to watch my back. When I started summoning ghosts 3 feet from your bedroom door, you showed me what I was actually getting into. My biggest block was the anger I hold in my soul. You always told me that I needed to figure out how to channel this anger I have into my energy. “You’d be one hell of a woman to go up against, girl.” I’m ashamed to say that the anger has only grown and grown. I lay awake at night more than I care to admit out loud thinking of you. I miss you so much. I think of what happened all the time. I ruminate on that fucking asshole. I hate him. All I can think about is how he’s still walking around somehow. I obsess over it. I fucking fed him.

The only person I can talk to about this is JR and of course he wants nothing to do with me, I’m sure. I broke his heart. All the rage I have still just sits like hot coals in my belly, always burning and occasionally fired up by things like holidays and angels and cigarettes. But I can’t talk to JR. If I tried, I’ll only be causing unnecessary pain for us both. JR. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I really hope you understand that but I don’t think you would. I mean you were so happy about me and JR. You called us soulmates. You said we had a tie that would follow us through lifetimes. I know you’d respect my choices, but I just hate to feel like I disappointed you. I can’t take care of someone like JR when I have to take care of myself too. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love him or you. I love you so much.

I see you. My stupid night light is blinking. I love you too. I’m not crying because I’m sad. It’s just allergies. I hate talking to a light. I want to talk to you.

I have so much to tell you and show you. I’ve progressed so much in my energy work. I can project it outside my body now. You can even see it. I can summon and banish spirits now. Not that I do that spooky shit anymore. You’d be so proud of me at my job. I’m doing great there. It’s getting harder but I’m rolling with the punches pretty well. I’m getting put in for an award. I’m going on my first… trip. I wish I could talk to you about that part.

I met someone. A few someones. He’s so funny. I know you’d hate him on principle, what with the name and position and all that.

You’d say, “I’ll beat the breaks off him,” every time he’s mentioned. “No you won’t. I’ll beat the breaks off you, old man,” I’d vaguely threaten you. But I know you’d secretly really like him.

She’s very sweet. You’d definitely like her out loud. So out loud I’d probably have to tell you to keep your comments to yourself. “Well we’d better get her inside before it starts raining. Sugar melts,” you’d mutter to me. “Shut the hell up you creep,” I’d smile and roll my eyes.

Ugh. I just wish you were here. You’d decorate with me everyday if I asked.